From Across The Street

Annaaa... come to us illegally - no one will care. I do it all the time!
--Guy

Ironic That Their Initals Are "Morning"

This kick ass cup of coffee tastes more like ass and less like kick.
--A.M.

What Studying For Finals Sounds Like:

M: ...he got shot like Cheney...
L: Cheney didn't get shot, he SHOT someone!
A: This story is just full of holes.

[notice that their initials ironically spell a popular citation format]

A Good Story Needs To Set

M: A few minutes later, the plot thickens...
A: It takes a few minutes. It's like pudding.

The Children's Book They Didn't Publish

If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll ask you for some milk.
If you give a dog chocolate, he'll probably die.
-- L.P.

To My Suitemate Whose Lap Was Full Of Children's Books

"What are you studying for... Christmas?"
-- C.S.

Facebook Status 12.02.09

A: "Friends don't let friends use Excel for statistics."
B: I am using Excel right now! What are the odds, statistically speaking!

Flipping Through The Channels:

"That looked like Jesus! Oh... nevermind... Orlando Bloom."

-- suitemate A.

First Scene Of 'Elmer Gantry'

"Drunk old men. Way to start a movie."

-- suitemate M.

She Was Just Kidding, Of Course

"I can't wait to become an alcoholic. One month from yesterday!"

-- my suitmate M.

Relationship

"Yeah, we close like spandex on a fat chick."

-- my cool friend J.

Droppin' Big Bucks

"You can't just shout out, 'Did anybody lose 20 bucks?'

[Because someone will say,] 'Yeah! What does it look like?'"

-- A professor (critiquing a student's essay about the moral responsibility when you find money on the ground)

Never Heard That One Before

"Well. That's a different kettle of fish."

-- English prof

PETA Would Have A Heydey With That Juice

student 1: There's riboflavin in here...

student 2: Did you say "rhino flavor"?

student 3: Mmm... tastes like real rhinos!

Effects

"::BURP:: oh man... 2nd side effect of Red Bull. No... actually 3rd, after delusion and peeing."
-- my sister H.

Review Meetings Must Be Terrifying

guy 1: Where's Amanda?

guy 2: She had to work...

guy 1: Doesn't she work at Giant Eagle?

guy 2: Yeah... She must serve the giant eagle.

Graffiti On A Gas Station Bathroom Wall In WV

I ♥ Mike W.
So do I.
We all do.

How Many "Survivor" Seasons Are There??

It's like 'Land Before Time:' the first three were great and the rest of them suck.

-- One of my suitemates